Inspiration of the Day: I'll look back on this and smile because it was life and I decided to live it.
I have always wanted to start a journal but never could keep it going. That's going to change. I'm going to make it my New Year's Resolution to be better at keeping a journal and blogging. I want to be able to look back and remember things and not just in haze. I want to be able to read what I wrote. Read what I was thinking, little things that tend to get lost in our memories. Most of my problem is that I don't know what to write about, so this past weekend I have been researching and jotting down ideas for not only making my blog better but things to keep me writing and prompts for keeping a journal. Recently I organized my apartment and have been going through things to see what I can get rid of. I had a pile of notebooks and a black journal (from one of my attempts to start one). It had lists of quotes in it so I just found a blank spot and started jotting down all these ideas for my blog and new-and-improved journal. I then decided I'll go through and take out the pages that I had written on before to make this an actual spot to write down my ideas. Maybe make this a possibility for the journal (haven't made up my mind if I want to use an app or actual book). I found three entries that I had written before. I wasn't too specific about the things going on in my life, but it's crazy to see what is different and what has stayed the same.
The First Entry
Up until just very recently, I had a hard time knowing who I was. Everyone tells you to be yourself, but I just wanted to be accepted for so long that I didn't know how to be myself. I think this was me trying to figure that out.
"Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My name is Kaitlynn Rose Bewley. I am who I am but even that is sometimes confusing. I am shy but I am outgoing. I am stubborn but I give in easily. I forgive but never forget. I let little things get to me when they shouldn't. I care what people think of me but I don't want to. I trust people way too easily. Maybe it's my way of reaching out. Maybe it's my scream for help, because every time I open my mouth to scream nothing comes out. I never keep my mouth shut until it comes to telling someone how I feel or standing up for myself. I think I am amazing but I always doubt myself. I overthink EVERYTHING! I see pros and cons for both sides of every situation. I wish I had more confidence. I believe in miracles and wish on shooting stars. I worry about everything. I think of my life as a big rain storm and I'm just waiting for the rainbow. I hate being alone but I get scared in a group of people. I am a dreamer and I dream big but I have so many dreams that I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm scared to take chances. I'm scared of getting hurt."
It's funny in a way to read this and at the same time it makes me want to cry. Every single one of the things I wrote down are still to this day true. Maybe I did know who I was and just was too scared to allow me to show my true self to the world?
The Second Entry
"Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I'm 20 years old. There shouldn't be any huge complications in my life. Except maybe a big test in a college. But there is a lot going on and I find myself having to deal with more than I can handle. I mean there's work and my future to worry about but the main thing I'm having trouble with right now is Farmer John. He is pretty much everything I wanted but he keeps going back and forth. I know everyone says that it's to be expected for your "first" love but I'm not like everyone else. I never wanted to be like Nikki and date a lot of guys. I just wanna get married, have my own family and hopefully a farm too. Even tho things are kinda starting with Matt and right now he makes me happy I can't stop thinking about John and how much he means to me. No one approves but no one feels what I do when I'm with him. I wish he would talk to me. I know it's hard for him and that it's not the easiest thing for him to do I just wish he would try. After everything he's done and everything he has said I just wish he would try. Part of me just doesn't wanna give up..."
Ohhh man how much I have changed haha. The really funny part was earlier today I actually talked to 'Farmer John' caught up on things like you would with an old friend that never talk to. I will always have some sort of love for him I think. The kind of love that in the moment was real but over time fades. If I added up all the times we were on and off he was my longest relationship. Part of me always thought no matter what I would always end up with him or my best friend (Jason from high school, whole different story with that one). I don't really feel that way anymore because of growing up I guess. One thing still remains the same. The main thing I want out of life is to get married and have my own family. That, I know will never change. Another thing that will never change is the little rebel in me, "No one approves but no one feels what I do when I'm with him," I love it.
The Third Entry
"July 8, 2011
People are going to talk about me and are gonna talk shit. What if what they say is true? What happens then? I don't wanna be the first slice of bread! I wanna make my dreams come true, whatever they may be. I need to change but how? Hope to find the answer soon. As for what has happened lately... the sex might not stop but it sure as hell isn't gonna happen like it has been. I'm fucked up but trying to change...does that count for anything?"
This entry is a little dark. I have a general idea of what was happening in my life and I know it was a really low point for me. Hurts a little to look back but I think it is also good because I can see how far I've come.
Which comes back to why I want to blog and why I want to keep a journal. Journal because the whole world does not need to know every little detail of my life but those little things I might want to remember and look back on. Blog to share big things and share struggles and triumphs to entertain and hopefully help someone. So here's to the final days of 2014 and the beginning of a new year. Let's see what it brings shall we?!
