For All the Times I Let You Push Me Around & Let You Keep Me Down Now I Got Guts Over Fear

I keep saying in my posts that I want to get better about writing more. There's a lot of things I find myself wanting to do more and more of. When I go to do things that I really want to do, there always seems to be something holding me back. I don't like this at all. As an over thinker, I am constantly wondering why I'm not taking more pictures, or doing more crafts, or writing more. All things I really love doing and things I want to do. I have come to a couple conclusions.

There are a bunch of things that I do not do because I feel like I have no motivation. I found these photos on Twitter and I couldn't help but notice that they are completely true in every way.

I sent them to a friend of mine because we are a lot alike and I knew she would be as moved as I was by them. Her response was that "there's such a stigma to all of those things. People who don't understand will never understand." I did have to ask what stigma meant (**we will come back to this fact in a little bit) and googled it and once I understood what the word meant I tried to understand what she meant and I asked if she meant that there's disgrace in those statements or disgrace in the fact that some people will never understand. She explained that she meant that there's such a stigma attached to mental illnesses or depression. She explained that some people hide the fact that they are struggling with a mental illness or depression because people will act like you are diseased or won't treat you like a person. This turned my reaction to these posts to a much higher degree of toughness. She couldn't have been more right. For the better part of the past ten years my family has thought of me as just being lazy and have judged heavily about it when in reality I have been battling depression and possibly some health issues relating to sleeping troubles. And even though I have gotten a lot better with some things, I am still struggling. I have struggled with every single one of those things in that picture. I have also struggled with not admitting to these struggles because of the stereotypes that are also in that picture. It is so hard to accept these things and then it is a constant battle to try and overcome them. People that never experienced any of these really have no clue and honestly how would they. No one can fully understand something unless they go through it themselves. In my mind, we just need more compassion in this world especially when it comes to depression, anxiety, mental illness and suicide.

** Back to those stars I put in earlier when I had to ask what stigma meant. In high school, I didn't do well at all. Sure I didn't do work, but when I didn't understand something, I was too afraid to ask a question. I thought I would seem stupid or get made fun of. Ironically, I seemed stupid because of my bad grades as a big result of not asking questions when I didn't understand. In the past few years as I have been growing a lot, I have come to realize that I am not dumb for asking questions fore I am seeking knowledge in the act of asking. I didn't want to be one of those people that act like they know everything about something or heck the people that act like they know everything in general. I wanted to be able to be factual when I talked to someone about something. Even tho I have come to ask more questions, I still felt a little dumb that I asked what a word meant in that conversation with my friend and I told her that. She told me simply that I'm not dumb for not knowing what a word means. I told her that I feel dumb but I no longer am afraid to ask questions. She admired me for that statement and told me, "people who ask questions always become more valuable because they have more knowledge." She is absolutely right and I will encourage anyone I meet or anyone who reads this to ask questions and brush off the people who make fun or look down on you for it because in the long run you will be way better off then they will.

She's A Wild Child

Inspiration of the Day: "No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." -Alice Walker

For too long, I have tried to be accepted. Be popular at school, or do everything right so my family would accept me and so everyone would accept me. I have changed myself and compromised things I believed in just to get the approval of all these different people. But there are two big things that I am coming to understand. 

First

Does anyone ever really get accepted by society?? I found this poem that describes things quite perfectly.

Welcome to society,

We hope you enjoy your stay,

And please feel free to be yourself,

As long as it's in the right way,

Make sure you love your body,

Not too much or we'll tear you down,

We'll bully you for smiling,

And then wonder why you frown,

We'll tell you that you're worthless,

That you shouldn't make a sound,

And then cry with all the others,

As you're buried in the ground,

You can fall in love with anyone,

As long as it's who we choose,

And we'll let you have your opinions,

But please shape them to our views,

Welcome to society,

We promise that we don't deceive,

And one more rule now that you're here,

There's no way you can leave.

-E.H.

In my mind, no one ever really gets accepted by society. Even the people that from the outside look like they get accepted, like celebrities or popular people in school,  they do one thing or make decisions that not everyone agrees with and they get scrutinized.

Second
I am no longer going to try and fit in anywhere. It gets hard sometimes but I keep trying to just be myself and think that if someone doesn't like me or if I don't mount up to someone's expectations, that's their problem. NOT mine. I have lived too many years living my life trying to please family, people I was trying to be friends with and it caused me to become depressed for many many years. I however did not know the effect it had on me until recently. Trying to fit in can destroy someone extremely emotionally.
I am done being destroyed by other people. I would rather have one friend that is actually there for me and accepts me for how I am, and accepts my decisions even if they don't agree with them, rather than have 100 friends who criticize me and try to change me to be like them or anyone else.

IT IS NOT WORTH IT.
I want to be me and be happy. I don't want to be anybody else. I am going to keep wearing my heart on my sleeve, falling in love, and being a gypsy soul until I find the place I belong.

Thank God For All I Missed...Cause It Led Me Here To This

Inspiration of the Day: "Sometimes a 'mistake' can end up being the best decision you ever make."  -Mandy Hale

Everything happens for a reason. It is such a cliche saying but one that is so very true. I've had so many things happen, not only in my life but even just in the past year. So many things that have scared me, hurt me, challenged me, and made me grow in so many ways.
Just within the past two weeks I had something happened that effected me in all those ways. I had surgery on my knee to replace some missing cartilage. I was very scared. Up until this point, I never had any kind of surgery nor had I been put under. All these things definitely had an effect on my anxiety. I have been dealing with pain that I have never felt before. Those who know me, know that I have a very low tolerance for pain. Even seeing my incision for the first time made me dizzy and sick to my stomach. But in the last week, with me being alone in my apartment, I have found out a lot about myself. I also have come to the terms that no one, absolutely no one can every call me weak. I don't always think I'm the strongest, but with all that I have gone through in my life and what I am having to do with my recovery is making me feel very strong.
Another thing that has taught me more than I know along with causing me to grow a lot as a person was losing something I thought I wanted. For three years, I thought I had found the person I wanted to be with. I know hind-sight is 20/20, and looking back I see now that I sacrificed a lot and would have given up a lot of things if it would've worked out. But at the time, I fell into some dark days. I had given so much of myself in those three years and can't tell you how many times I questioned God. But I found out as more time went by that it just wasn't what is in His plan for me.
I have since found someone else, and am starting to see that the more I put in God's hands, the more things seem to come together. With my three year 'relationship' ending, I had come to think that everything I had done in those three years was a waste. I at one point was regretting my decision to move from Pennsylvania to Minnesota. But there are so many things I would have missed out on if I wouldn't have made that move.

Everything happens for a reason...and I can't wait to find out where these crazy reasons will take me next. 

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Every day at 8pm a reminder goes off on my phone to write. I want to write. But life once again has gotten in the way. I don't know why I let myself get ashamed of my own hard times. I know they happen to everyone it just is difficult to step up and admit when you made mistakes or when life just isn't going good at the time. I guess the quick update would be that I ended a 3 year... for lack of better definition.. relationship? It's for the better I know but it's still so hard to get over. Done with that. Went to Mid-American Truck Show in Louisville, Kentucky with my friend Jessica. Had an absolute blast. Took some photos for Largecar Mag. This was my second year going to this show. Always a good time in The Ville.

Then I made my way to Pennsylvania to see my family. I got to spend time with my sister and my nieces and nephews...

I got to spend some quality time with one of my brothers (who is also my dentist)...

Spent time with my Dad, and saw his truck...

(Don't mind my weird smile..this was after my lovely brother shot me with a lot of Novocain)

And I got to meet my new little niece Blair...

Was planning on being there a week, but the day before I was supposed to head home, I got into a car accident. Someone rear ended me. Long story short it has become a nightmare. My car is still in Pennsylvania while I am carless in Iowa.

Other than that I am just trying to get my car fixed and to get it back to Iowa and then figure out my next move. I don't feel at home where I'm at and I know I'm not doing what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have a few options and I have a good idea of where I want to head, but just taking things one day at a time. Life ain't always beautiful...but it's a beautiful ride.

Life's Too Short To Drink Bad Wine

I recently read an article from Elite Daily titled "There Are 2 Types of Women: Red Wine Drinkers And White Wine Drinkers" [Click Here If You Would Like To Read]. Being a wine drinker myself, I have my own thoughts on this article so why not share. Especially because upon reading this, I couldn't help but argue a lot of it because, first of all, I prefer white wine. Second of all, apparently my choice in color of wine says a lot about who I am. Some of these points are true but some of them are so off. I'm going to make somewhat of a game out of this. One point for which color wine I would choose for each statement. At the end, see what kind of wine I like from matching it to my personality, by their standards. So here we go...(my opinions will be in blue, in case you don't figure it out)

1. Red wine drinkers dine by candlelight; white wine drinkers have their dinner at sunset. Personally, I don't care how I get my dinner, as long as there is food I'm good. But if I had to choose, I would have dinner outside while the sun is going down. Red = 0 White = 1

2. Red wine drinkers watch Netflix in bed; white wine drinkers watch catfights on HBO. Well seeing as how as I am writing this I am watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix in bed, safe to say that makes it Red = 1 White = 1

3. Red wine drinkers read romance novels; white wine drinkers read magazines. I like reading books, and yes that includes romance novels. Red = 2 White = 1 

4. Red wine drinkers prefer relationships; white wine drinkers prefer one-night stands. I am very much a relationship person. Have been my whole life. Red = 3 White = 1

5. Red wine drinkers made the game; white wine drinkers play the game. Hmm, I think for this one I would have to say that I play the game? I guess. Haha. Red = 3 White = 2

6. Red wine drinkers are practical; white wine drinkers live in the moment. I am practical and live in the moment. Very bi-polor on this one. Guess we will give half a point to both. Red = 3.5 White = 2.5

7. Red wine drinkers vacation in Paris; white wine drinkers vacation in Tuscany. I vacation in neither. If I could go to a foreign country, I would go to Ireland. Guess that would be more beer and whiskey. No points to either. Red = 3.5 White = 2.5

8. Red wine drinkers are romantics; white wine drinkers are practical. Total romantic and not afraid to admit it. Red = 4.5 White = 2.5

9. Red wine drinkers listen to classics; white wine drinkers listen to electronic. I definitely don't listen to electronic. I listen to classic country a lot...counts in my book. Red = 5.5 White = 2.5

10. Red wine drinkers speak their minds; white wine drinkers are good listeners. Another one where I am both. Half points to both again. Red = 6 White = 3

11. Red wine drinkers are Team Jacob; white wine drinkers are Team Edward. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't read or watch the movies, because I did. I own the boxed set of the books and own the movies. Now, I was Team Jacob for the first book but by the end of the series I was on Team Edward, tho in the movies, Jacob was way better looking in my opinion. Red = 6 White = 4

12. Red wine drinkers like a little scruff; white wine drinkers like their men clean cut. Beards are sexy. Period. I could go either way, because it all depends on the guy, but for me I definitely tend to go towards guys with scruff. Red = 7 White = 4

13. Red wine drinkers are brunettes; white wine drinkers are steely blondes. Tho I have my fair share of blonde moments, I am a brunette. Don't see how this determines what wine I drink but oh well. Red = 8 White = 4

14. Red wine drinkers loved English class; white wine drinkers loved Science class. I hated both! I loved Math and Art class. Wonder if this also would mean beer and whiskey haha. No points for either. Red = 8 White = 4

15. Red wine drinkers are deep thinkers; white wine drinkers are big talkers. Anyone in my family would probably peg me in the big talker category because I tend to talk a lot, but I would put myself in the deep thinker category. Red = 9 White = 4

16. Red wine drinkers are worried about stains; white wine drinkers throw away their inhibitions. I am a worrier. Big time. I don't find it easy to throw away my inhibitions. I am working on it but think the point goes to red. Red = 10 White = 4

17. Red wine drinkers have a few good conversations; white wine drinkers are the lives of the party. Again, I think my answer is different than people who are close to me would say, but I don't think I am the life of any party. Red = 11 White = 4

I will remind you, I choose white wine over red. Apparently I don't know what I like haha.

18. Red wine drinkers love sultry bars; white wine drinkers love the outdoors with open air. Easy! Open air all the way! Red = 11 White = 5

19. Red wine drinkers hold a glass by its stem; white wine drinkers keep their pinkies up. Don't really try it but I think I do keep my pinky up when I'm drinking my wine. Red = 11 White = 6

20. Red wine drinkers wear maxi dresses; white wine drinkers show midriffs. Even if I had the body to show my midriff, wouldn't feel comfortable doing it. Besides, maxi dresses are so dang comfortable. Red = 12 White = 6

21. Red wine drinkers like their meat; white wine drinkers prefer the surf. Mmm give me a good steak anytime. Red = 13 White = 6

22. Red wine drinkers have dry humor; white wine drinkers have full-bodied laughs. Comedian here. Well sometimes, most of the time just a smart-ass. Either way I know I don't have dry humor.        Red = 14 White = 6

23. Red wine drinkers leave voicemails; white wine drinkers send texts. There was really only one person I ever liked leaving voicemails for. My best friend in high school. Too much pressure not knowing when the beep will cut you off. Red = 14 White = 7 

24. Red wine drinkers like their shoes comfortable; white wine drinkers like their shoes tall. I pretty much only wear cowboy boots. Guess since they aren't technically really tall, they fit the comfortable category? Works for me. Red = 15 White = 7

25. Red wine drinkers sit in big leather chairs; white wine drinkers lie on the beach. Not a huge beach person myself. It's fun every couple of years. I'll take a big comfy leather chair that I can curl up in any day of the year. Red = 16 White = 7

26. The author of this article skipped number two-six. Score still at Red = 16 White = 7

27. Red wine drinkers write with pens; white wine drinkers type on touchscreens. I love writing with pens. I have a pen addiction. My best friend Colleen won't let me go down the pen aisle in any store because I have A LOT of pens. Addiction I swear. Red = 17 White = 7

28. Red wine drinkers like it hot; white wine drinkers don't mind a little chill. My mind could go in the gutter here but I will choose to take this as what kind of weather I prefer. I don't like this awful bitter cold we have going on this winter, but normally I don't mind a little chill. Red = 17 White = 8

29. Red wine drinkers wear Mary Janes; white wine drinkers wear strappy sandals. Again, I wear boots. I should have created a tally for beer and whiskey. No points. Red = 17 White = 8

30. Red wine drinkers curl up by the fire; white wine drinkers like a breezy summer day. Since we are talking about wine, there is nothing better than curling up next to a fire, nice glass of Moscato d'Asti and a book. Red = 18 White = 8 

31. Red wine drinkers wear velvety corduroy pants; white wine drinkers prefer sundresses. I don't even own a pair of corduroy pants. I wear jeans and tshirts. But between the two, I would take a sundress. I can be girly sometimes. Red = 18 White = 9

32. Red wine drinkers like good literature; white wine drinkers like good movies. I love both. I have always enjoyed sitting down with a really good book. I've been known to finish a book in a few hours, if it's good enough. But I also love movies. So half a point to both. Red = 18.5 White = 9.5

33. Red wine drinkers enjoy table conversation; white wine drinkers enjoy chatting on the phone. Talking in person is always better, especially when you are at a table and there is food haha. Plus as stated before, I prefer texting when it comes to the phone. Red = 19.5 White = 9.5

34. Red wine drinkers like evenings in; white wine drinkers are all about party time. I enjoy going out and having a good time, but I really am a home body. Red = 20.5 White = 9.5

35. Red wine drinkers prefer heavy clothing; white wine drinkers love keeping it light. Hmm well judging by the fact that my favorite piece of clothing is sweatshirts, think red gets this one too....big surprise. 

Which brings my total to Red Wine with 21.5 points and White Wine with 9.5 points. Obviously there are no actual facts to prove these are right, especially seeing as how by my little game I should be a big Red Wine lover when in fact my favorite is a sparkling white. Try my little game. Does this article and "your personality" match what type of wine you prefer? 

Moving???

So if you have been following the 5 year Journal entries, I have decided to move them. It was getting a little confusing having everything in this blog. SOOOO I made a completely new blog just for those daily entries. Here is the link for that blog 5 Year Journal Blog

In other news I am just busy working and getting some things in my life figured out. I have not forgotten about my blog. Be sure to stay tuned because big Confessions are coming ;)

If I Could Write a Letter to Me

Inspiration of the Day: I'll look back on this and smile because it was life and I decided to live it.

I have always wanted to start a journal but never could keep it going. That's going to change. I'm going to make it my New Year's Resolution to be better at keeping a journal and blogging. I want to be able to look back and remember things and not just in haze. I want to be able to read what I wrote. Read what I was thinking, little things that tend to get lost in our memories.  Most of my problem is that I don't know what to write about, so this past weekend I have been researching and jotting down ideas for not only making my blog better but things to keep me writing and prompts for keeping a journal. Recently I organized my apartment and have been going through things to see what I can get rid of. I had a pile of notebooks and a black journal (from one of my attempts to start one). It had lists of quotes in it so I just found a blank spot and started jotting down all these ideas for my blog and new-and-improved journal. I then decided I'll go through and take out the pages that I had written on before to make this an actual spot to write down my ideas. Maybe make this a possibility for the journal (haven't made up my mind if I want to use an app or actual book). I found three entries that I had written before. I wasn't too specific about the things going on in my life, but it's crazy to see what is different and what has stayed the same.

The First Entry

Up until just very recently, I had a hard time knowing who I was. Everyone tells you to be yourself, but I just wanted to be accepted for so long that I didn't know how to be myself. I think this was me trying to figure that out.

"Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My name is Kaitlynn Rose Bewley. I am who I am but even that is sometimes confusing. I am shy but I am outgoing. I am stubborn but I give in easily. I forgive but never forget. I let little things get to me when they shouldn't. I care what people think of me but I don't want to. I trust people way too easily. Maybe it's my way of reaching out. Maybe it's my scream for help, because every time I open my mouth to scream nothing comes out. I never keep my mouth shut until it comes to telling someone how I feel or standing up for myself. I think I am amazing but I always doubt myself. I overthink EVERYTHING! I see pros and cons for both sides of every situation. I wish I had more confidence. I believe in miracles and wish on shooting stars. I worry about everything. I think of my life as a big rain storm and I'm just waiting for the rainbow. I hate being alone but I get scared in a group of people. I am a dreamer and I dream big but I have so many dreams that I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm scared to take chances. I'm scared of getting hurt."

It's funny in a way to read this and at the same time it makes me want to cry. Every single one of the things I wrote down are still to this day true. Maybe I did know who I was and just was too scared to allow me to show my true self to the world?

The Second Entry

"Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I'm 20 years old. There shouldn't be any huge complications in my life. Except maybe a big test in a college. But there is a lot going on and I find myself having to deal with more than I can handle. I mean there's work and my future to worry about but the main thing I'm having trouble with right now is Farmer John. He is pretty much everything I wanted but he keeps going back and forth. I know everyone says that it's to be expected for your "first" love but I'm not like everyone else. I never wanted to be like Nikki and date a lot of guys. I just wanna get married, have my own family and hopefully a farm too. Even tho things are kinda starting with Matt and right now he makes me happy I can't stop thinking about John and how much he means to me. No one approves but no one feels what I do when I'm with him. I wish he would talk to me. I know it's hard for him and that it's not the easiest thing for him to do I just wish he would try. After everything he's done and everything he has said I just wish he would try. Part of me just doesn't wanna give up..."

Ohhh man how much I have changed haha. The really funny part was earlier today I actually talked to 'Farmer John' caught up on things like you would with an old friend that never talk to. I will always have some sort of love for him I think. The kind of love that in the moment was real but over time fades. If I added up all the times we were on and off he was my longest relationship. Part of me always thought no matter what I would always end up with him or my best friend (Jason from high school, whole different story with that one). I don't really feel that way anymore because of growing up I guess. One thing still remains the same. The main thing I want out of life is to get married and have my own family. That, I know will never change. Another thing that will never change is the little rebel in me, "No one approves but no one feels what I do when I'm with him," I love it.

The Third Entry

"July 8, 2011

People are going to talk about me and are gonna talk shit. What if what they say is true? What happens then? I don't wanna be the first slice of bread! I wanna make my dreams come true, whatever they may be. I need to change but how? Hope to find the answer soon. As for what has happened lately... the sex might not stop but it sure as hell isn't gonna happen like it has been. I'm fucked up but trying to change...does that count for anything?"

This entry is a little dark. I have a general idea of what was happening in my life and I know it was a really low point for me. Hurts a little to look back but I think it is also good because I can see how far I've come.

Which comes back to why I want to blog and why I want to keep a journal. Journal because the whole world does not need to know every little detail of my life but those little things I might want to remember and look back on. Blog to share big things and share struggles and triumphs to entertain and hopefully help someone. So here's to the final days of 2014 and the beginning of a new year. Let's see what it brings shall we?!